Extra God, Hold the Theologians

If anyone needs an education, it's me! I'm going through some amazing things right now. So great I don't have words for all of it! I finished reading a book tonight so I thought "that book was great now I can start the next!". I bought two together. The second one was about modern/post modern. I can't find. I saw a book on theology by Ryrie on the dining room chair; I passed it up. I thought to myself "I don't want to learn or hear about religion, someone else's thoughts on God or opinions, I want to learn about God from God!". It's amazing! I don't wanna hear it. I just want to hear God! PTL somewhere, somehow I've gotten to the point He is all I want. I am in the middle of something. A time commitment thing. I don't know how long it will last. I know how long I want it to last but we shall see if the spirit is stronger than the flesh. This thing, if it goes as long as I'm hoping, it will cross over a very important day in my little boys life. I won't be able to celebrate completely that day but after my commitment is over I can. I thought "OH NO! What am I going to do?! I can't miss blah blah blah...!" Then I realized "I CAN" and if this "thing" goes on "I WILL". God has to come first. Putting yourself aside as a mother is a daily thing... but ask me to put my kids second to something... HA! But now, TODAY, I have realized I am willing to put God first. This is a big thing. I'm not bragging. I'm stunned. God is working and deserves praise for what he has done! This thing I'm going through is for God, He has let me into His courts.... closer than I've ever been! I can't believe this is really my life! PTL for being Lord and for being Lord of my life and taking a sinner like me in loving me. I have so much I want to say but even more I want to pray... I wish you all well! Thank you for sharing in my joy!

Crushing Assumptions

If you know me you know I am easily over come with anger. I'll tell you so plainy. I have a habit of seeing the "principle of it". I have a knack for seeing people and their true motives, their angles and their agendas. I am a self-proclaimed master manipulater. What's the point? What's with all the "I statements"? Well, mostly I'm venting. It's hard. Heavy is the head that wears the crown in a sort of way but more like heavy is the heart the bares the sin. I'm not sure I like this "ability". It's hard to shut it off. I'm not God so in truth I don't know the hearts of others completely. Maybe the woman speaking to me doesn't realize she fake, maybe she really thinks I'm buying, maybe she isn't. Who knows. I could ask her but she may lie so there I am chasing my tail again which isn't hard given where my head is half the time. I keep assigning motives to everyone. As a Christian I it's my job to trust. If you can't trust you can't be trusted (had to throw a little Ben in there). Now, I'm not saying buy a car with no wheels cause the salesman said he drove it to work. I'm talking about people across from you in the pew... when they shake their heads and say Amen almost as if it's on cue. Who am I to decide if they are saying Amen to encourage the Pastor, show agreement, making it a prayer, or if they are doing to look like they're paying attention, showing off, being fakers. I don't know and I can't know. But I assign. I assume. I allow it to mold them in my mind. They then, wether or not warranted, become who I have decided they are. Some one approaches me with something simple like "Some of us are going out bowling, Jenny wanted us to invite you,too!". I get all defensive and offensive at the same time! " Jenny is only inviting me because.... fill in assigned motive". I'll be mad at people for conversation I with them in my HEAD... "I just know that's what they'd say too.. if they weren't so fake that is!". It's consuming. It sucks. I just want on some level believe people are what they say they are. To love them like God with out judging like I would if I were God. It's a little easier when I remember I'm not perfect, that I play games and that I play politics. It's a little easier when I remember to pray as much for my behavior as a pray and rant about theirs. I have to hold out hope that God will save me from myself in this area as well. I may be alone in this but I doubt that I am. If we gave one another enough space to be themselves with out crushing them with the weight of our assumptions I wonder how much more connected we would be. How much growing we would get done. How much further the Kingdom of Heaven would spread.

Back To The Basics

My daughter loves to listen to her Children's Bible Songs. It occurred to me that I need these song as much as she does. When you think of a conversation between a Christian and a lost person it can be cut down (if we are brave enough to be honest) to the basics... why are you so happy? Because I'm a Christian. Why are you a Christian? Because God loves me. How do you know? The Bible. Who believes in the Bible these days? I do. I base my life on it. Wanna see what it says about you?

So that's a pretty generic skeleton of the conversation or steps most of us followed into Christianity. Then I'm sure most of us know the songs we were taught to teach us all of those principles from the start (if you grew up in Church). I've Got The Joy! I'm A C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N! Yes, Jesus Loves Me (for the bible tells me so)! The B-I-B-L-E!

Maybe this all seems random but you know when I am teaching theses things to her it brings me back to the start. As adults we sometimes get caught up in the semantics, the denomination, the haughty thoughts, the unimportant questions or Lord help us things like The Bible Code. The unsaved don't care about those things. They, like you once, just want to know the Good News.

My daughter and I were reading her toddler Bible and she being 2 wanted to read it to me. So she pretended to read and following lines of letters with her finger said "And God says 'Don't hit other people' ". She read another line, "And God says ' I love you, so just trust me OK?' ". If that doesn't break it down I don't know what could. She hasn't had her head filled with History Channel specials, catechisms or repetitive prayers... Just the basics.

I was speaking to a friend earlier this week who mentioned he read some of a toddler Bible. He remarked that for the first time he realized the Bible was one long story. I laughed because I had to read a toddler Bible and watch a cartoon to realize the same thing. How Sad. I went to a private Christian school from 5th-11th grade. I went to Sunday School, Youth Group and Church and I had to have a baby to realize what the Bible really was.

One of my favorite Pastors, Alistair Begg said something to the effect of "The Plain things become the main things and the main things become the plain things." It's true. How often do we do that to our Bibles? My over all point here is to remember the basics. Remember why we are here after being saved. Remember why and how we are saved.

Seperate! But Equal?

This is one of the biggest battle's between my old nature and my new nature... such an intense battle that some days I wonder if it isn't my new nature taking on "pride for life" sin.

When you are called out of the disgusting mess you are wallowing in and made new it's the most important day of your life. Being born again is why you born the first time. I really had an awakening about 1 yr ago it lead to being baptized along with my husband on May second of this year, which solidified our membership to a local Church. In all of the excitement I started sharing the Good News with others who as it appears are not only unexcited but maybe even a little disgusted by it. This was sad in general but heart-wrenching when it came to people I knew personally. I was counting on them to get theirs heads right, accept Christ and start being nice people! My new nature wanted them to come to Christ for the same reason I wanted the clerk at Wal-Mart to. By rejecting 'my' message they were ruining my plan! My old nature wanted them to be saved to hear them say I was right along, so they would be decent human beings who I wouldn't have to guard against all time! Didn't they know how bad and irritating they were!? Then my new nature steps in again... on one hand I get it... I understand hearing the same old same old and being bored but on the other hand I thought the Word was infectious... right? I thought it's not my job to be eloquent or to be a salesman, I'm just supposed to tell you what it did for me then the Holy Spirit will sweep in and conquer the lost just like He did for me! Patience is not my strong suit.( Neither is grammar for that matter.) So I wait, then wait some more, kept on waiting and before I knew it months went by and NOTHING! "OOH! What is wrong with these people!" my old nature blurted out. Then my new nature chimed in quietly "All in God's time". This back and forth went on for weeks and before I knew it when the subject came to mind or I had to deal with them it was everything I had to not be a snob. They were living under the law so I'd judge them by it! It was only fair! I lived under grace and here they judged my wrongly by the law! But that just isn't how it is... I live under grace so I ought to discern with grace and when I can't, give it God who is the rightful judge of everyone. I still struggle with this. Right motives are something that grow to maturity over time, apparently. While I can say most of the time I want them to come to Chirst is out of love, occasionally it is out of hate or just being plain fed up with their worldly shenanigans. The sad thing is I still, here and there participate. I'm not better. It's no good of my own that makes me a child of God... Christ did it. Every time I sin I prove I'm no better than anyone else. I drive the nails a little deeper every time I sin; a lie (BOOM!) a lustful stare (CLINK) and hateful heart (CRASH). I'm equal whether or not I say it aloud, I'm only separate because Christ has taken me in to shelter me behind the shield of His love. The more I dwell on that the easier it is to take the blows given to me by others, to ignore their hate and decide to protect them in the safety of the love Christ gives me to love others with. The more I dwell on how God saved me the easier it is to believe and know in my heart their second birth will come, that one day God will let the scales fall from their eyes if He chooses and lastly, I believe God saved me from satan's family so He can certainly save me from myself.

Putting God On Hold

We are studying 1 John on Wednesday nights and the Pastor gives the three most important things in our walk, 1. Prayer, 2. Bible Study, 3. Fellowship. Fellowship I have down, any time any place I am THERE, I love the Church. Bible Study, oh yeah, it's a common interest my husband and I share, must see TV time has become must read time. But prayer? This would seem the easiest of them all... especially for me. I love to talk so a constant line to someone to gab with seems perfect! This is how it goes though... "Lord, Thank you for all the beautiful things today... you're amazing, Lord. Those birds outside are singing and... "*Oh is that the pen I was looking for earlier? FOCUS!... I wonder if God gets bored listening to people... FOCUS!* It's like my mind trails off into a random chain of thoughts which don't amount to anything. So I thought "Oh, I know! I'll write my prayers out!"... yeah, it got that A.D.D. that I had to write them out... to no avail. It's was about the same only in ink. So my day consists of little random bits of prayer. A friend Facebooks a prayer request and I repeat their need after saying Lord and tack an 'in Jesus' name, Amen.' on the end of it and that's all. Sometimes though I pray without words, like I just assume our Father will get the gist of my emotions like some alien communication you'd see on the SciFi channel. Does that count? Why can't I just pray like I do when I pray with the kids at night? We all know when you admit to a problem of any kind the first words out of any Christian will be (should be) pray about it. You see the circular issue there I'm sure. So I suppose asking others to pray for me would work. I just overall, more than anything, feel guilty. If I came to your house and you spoke to me randomly then trailed off into another room doing something else my feelings would be hurt! I wouldn't do that to another person so why am I doing it to God!? Am I taking His always available status for granted? I should be giving Him the deepest praises, concerns and joys I have and instead I'm giving Him the thought equivalent of cheap elevator music, as if our connection can be put on hold until I come back around. It's a shame. Here the Lord is being perfect and I can't scrape 4 undivided minutes together to talk and then listen. The closest I get is my late night prayer but that often ends with me snoozing away. Or sometimes I do get a lot out and its really just me venting or being so over come with emotion (usually distress or a quick praise) that He is my only option to get it all out. Is that fair? Well, there you have an honest description of my prayer life. It's a true shame.

Welcome To My Journal

I'm going to try this out and see how it goes. I want to share my walk with Christ with you. I'm going to do what I can to give those who read this an honest and open view and explanation of my walk. The idea of an open journal may seem strange but I feel like letting the most important thing in my life be public may help others on the same road, to know you're not alone in whatever emotions or circumstances you find along your way as well as keeping me accountable. If you know me personally you know there's not a whole lot that will be left to imagination so if nothing else enjoy the honesty and humor of my life. Please don't hold back on the comments... let me know what is boring, what inspires you and what you'd like to hear more of. May this bring glory to God and be a blessing to you.